HOLLYWOOD– A tear-jerking new remake of the popular 2003 holiday movie Bad Santa will be released just in time for Christmas called Sad Santa and will show the titular Kris Kringle character being played as a whiny, crying, little pansy.
Instead of an angry, cursing, mean alcoholic Santa played by actor Billy Bob Thornton in the original role, the new Sad Santa character will be played by Billy Bob’s dysfunctional cousin named Willy Sob Thornton, whose version of Saint Nick will be a pathetic man constantly in tears who has to beg women to even spit on him just for some attention.
“We were looking to make this new Santa a little more emotional,” said Benjamin Goldblatt, a rich, smug Hollywood producer who wiped his feet over a homeless man’s head minutes before doing the interview. “Billy Bob’s version of Santa as a hypersexual, aggressive male was okay for its time, but we wanted this new Santa to be more like many of the sensitive, effeminate, neutered white males of today.”
In one overly dramatic scene, sad Santa pleads with a young boy to stop punching him in the balls while sitting on his lap.
“Ow, ouch, oh God, please, it hurts,” said sad Santa while a group of children kicked him and called him a “little bitch.” “I’m so sorry, children, I’ll do whatever you ask me to. You’re going to make me cry again. Please, yes, go ahead, you can take my wallet too. I’m so sad right now, I really need my safe space or I’m going to throw up again.”
According to one film critic who watched the film, the Sad Santa character was a breath of fresh air and representative of a large portion of emasculated men in today’s society. Trivia buffs will take notice that the sobbing Santa went through 169 boxes of tissues in the span of an hour and a half long movie.
So, am I still getting my gifts this Christmas or no?
So Santa’s a Democrat?
Looks like it.
This makes me happy.
I’d watch this.
Oh cut it out, you brute.