MAUI, HAWAII– After waiting two weeks to visit Maui to make sure the money he sent to Ukraine had cleared first, an empathetic Joe Biden told all the victims of the deadly fires that he knows exactly what kind of pain they are going through because of the time he burnt his tongue while eating some spicy buffalo chicken wings.
“I feel your pain and I know exactly what you folks are going through,” said Biden while chuckling as mourners grieved over the many people who had died in the fires. “I don’t want to compare difficulties, even though my experience was so much worse, but I have a little sense of what it’s like to go through a fiery tragedy.”
Biden then took a buffalo wing from his pants pocket and began to relive the horrid experience of what it was like to get a little pain on his tongue, showing Lahaina residents that he is a man of the people and that he suffered so much more loss than they ever have.
“Mmm. ow, man, ooh, that’s a hot one,” said Biden as he nibbled on the spicy wing and got hot sauce all over his wrinkled lips. “Man, I forgot how tasty these things are, but yeah, anyway, I almost lost my home after this spicy food hit my bowels and I couldn’t find the shitter fast enough and ended up crapping in my cat’s litter box.”
America’s most popular president of all time told the crowd of stressed, angry Lahaina residents that he plans on doing everything he can to help rebuild their lives by making a large financial donation to Ukraine in their names.
“And don’t forget to keep voting Democrat,” said Biden with a smile, reminding everyone he’s up for reelection next year.
