KIEV, UKRAINE– In order to get as much relief as possible to the Hawaiian island of Maui, President Joe Biden personally flew over to Ukraine to assess the damages caused by the raging fires and immediately upon landing ordered Congress to send another $600 billion to President Zelensky.
“You gotta be kidding me, Jack, this is worse than I thought,” said Biden as he inspected Zelensky’s multimillion dollar mansion. “No human, let alone a guy who’s covering up my crimes, should ever have to live like this. I’ll have my boys send another six hundred billion to get this place cleaned up.”
Zelensky showed Biden his wife’s millions of dollars in jewelry and said the Hawaiian fires could have easily destroyed her beautiful collection of rings, necklaces, and earrings.
“President Biden, if something’s not done soon, those fires could spread to Ukraine,” said Zelensky in tears as he blew his nose into a wad of cash. “Our sources have confirmed that the Russians are responsible for burning down your great island of Maui. You know what you have to do, sir.”
While hugging Zelensky, Biden told the Ukrainian president that he’ll do everything in his power to help anyone affected by the fires, saying, “You’re right, Jack. The only way to stop those Hawaiian fires from spreading is to send more money to Ukraine.”
Once Biden confirmed that Vladimir Putin personally flew to Hawaii and started the fires by throwing a lit cigarette onto the ground, the president added another $69 trillion to the Ukraine package and then nuked Hawaii off the map as a way to get back at Putin for creating the fires.
