WASHINGTON– A new breakthrough in the mystery of how cocaine ended up inside of the White House came today with government officials claiming that they have substantial proof that the drugs were secretly planted by stealthy Russian operatives in an effort to make Hunter Biden appear like a crackhead American loser when everyone knows he’s just a really swell guy.
“An anonymous source of our source’s source has confirmed Russians are responsible for leaving cocaine inside the White House,” said a representative for the Secret Service after handing the coke over to Hunter to put it somewhere safe. “A Russian operative wearing a lifelike Hunter Biden mask made his way past security and then planted the drugs inside the White House before taking all his clothes off and snorting some of the coke just to make sure it was the real thing.”
The Biden administration has called this “drug drop” the latest attempt by Vladimir Putin to embarrass the United States only weeks after Russians left a sandbag on stage to purposely trip Joe Biden to make the US president look like a senile, old, incompetent fool.
Members of Congress said that Russia planting coke inside the White House to frame Hunter is an act of war and are calling on Biden to use nuclear weapons to teach Putin a lesson.
“Everyone knows Hunter’s just a really swell guy and doesn’t have anything to do with that cocaine,” said Karine Jean-Pierre, the gayest and blackest female White House Press Secretary of all time. “We know for certain it was a Russian asset wearing a Hunter Biden mask because he didn’t take off his clothes until after entering the West Wing. The real Hunter always removes all his clothes before entering. See the difference?”
