WASHINGTON– A black sandbag was arrested yesterday by Secret Service after it ruthlessly lunged at Joe Biden and tried to assassinate him, causing the startled president to trip and fall and then tell the crowd “I got sandbagged.”
The diabolical sandbag pretended that it was lifeless and waited for its opportunity to attack the president while Biden gave a speech at the Air Force graduation ceremony.
“All hands on deck, swarm, swarm,” said one of Biden’s Secret Service agents as over twenty agents wrestled the sandbag down to the ground. “This is an emergency. I repeat, this is an emergency. Put your hands up, sandbag, and quit resisting.”
After a grueling twenty minutes, Secret Service agents finally restrained the sandbag and placed handcuffs on it before calling in the US Marines and a few fighter jets to help subdue the suspect.
“The subject is in custody and is awaiting trial in Guantanamo Bay,” said Agent Biff McSkipper after changing Biden’s diaper. “The sandbag is facing the death penalty and if found guilty will have its top opened and all of its sand dumped out of the bag.”
Also awaiting trial in Guantanamo Bay for attacking Biden and making him fall are the Air Force One steps, Biden’s bicycle, Biden’s shoes, the Oval Office carpet, and gravity.
