WASHINGTON– The US Congress has officially passed a bipartisan bill that would place an FBI agent into the home of every single American, with both Democrats and Republicans praising the bill as a way to keep citizens safe and not for nefarious reasons.
Senators Chuck Schumer and Mitch McConnell gave an ecstatic press conference to let the American people know that today was their lucky day because every American home will be getting their very own FBI agent to live with them 24/7 and beat them whenever they get out of line.
“Today was a victory for the American people,” said Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer with a straight face. “With the unanimous passing of this bill by both the House and Senate, the FBI will be immediately sending armed agents into every home to watch, spy, and control the actions of all US citizens.”
Schumer went on to say that the new bill has been sent to President Joe Biden to be signed into law and that the Federal Bureau of Investigations has already posted job wanted ads in foreign countries to be able to hire the millions of agents needed to station inside of every home in America.
Congress has asked Americans to prepare accordingly as the new FBI bill will take effect within the next two weeks by giving the agent total access to the home, feeding the agent first before family members, and letting the agent sleep with any husbands or wives of their choosing.
