MANHATTAN, NEW YORK– Following up on his high from indicting President Donald Trump on falsifying business records, Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg decided to formally indict the Easter Bunny for taking hush money from children in the form of carrots in return for leaving them candy and keeping it a secret from their parents, stemming back as far as twenty years ago.
DA Bragg was all business as he gave an emergency press conference in front of his New York office, explaining the seriousness of the Easter Bunny’s criminal offenses and praised his team for taking down the lawbreaking rabbit criminal.
“No one is above the law, not even an imaginary folkloric figure like the Easter Bunny,” said DA Bragg as he shoved five jelly donuts into his mouth. “I have substantial, overwhelming, consequential proof that the Easter Bunny has been receiving hush money payments from children in the form of carrots so that he could leave them candy and treats and not tell their parents.”
The Easter Bunny is facing 3,141,592,653,589 felony counts of falsifying business records to cover for all the hush money payments he received over the years, which eventually led up to the rabbit’s arrest this week and is now facing a minimum of 900 years in federal prison.
At publishing time, the New York prosecutor’s office has also announced that they will be indicting legendary Christmas figure Santa Claus for also taking bribes and hush money from children in the form of milk in cookies in exchange for leaving them gifts.
