KIEV, UKRAINE– To better assess the damages caused by the recent chemical spill in East Palestine, Ohio, President Joe Biden made a surprise visit to Ukraine and told Zelensky that he’ll do everything in his power to clean up the toxic disaster, even if it means sending another $100 billion into the Ukrainian president’s personal bank account.
“Well, this doesn’t even look that bad,” said Biden while surveying the beautiful capital city of Ukraine. “I don’t know what all these Ohio citizens are complaining about. I don’t even see any damages around here, let alone any toxic waste.”
Not one to let an opportunity go to waste, Zelensky told the confused Biden that the vinyl chloride chemical explosion is of Russian origin and is so bad that the damages are actually invisible.
“Mr. Biden, the only way to defeat the Russian chemical is to send us more money,” said Zelensky as Secret Service agents changed Biden’s diaper. “Be careful, Mr. Biden, that’s a dangerous Russian soldier you’re standing on disguised as a beautiful flower.”
Once he left Ukraine, Biden came home and ordered his military to destroy Ohio after Zelensky informed him that East Palestine was actually Moscow.
