EAST PALESTINE, OHIO– With news of the polluted chemical spill in Ohio finally making national headlines and numerous celebrities taking notice of the horrific incident, famous superhero the Toxic Avenger decided to fly out to the site of the train accident to check out the disaster and then decided to stay after realizing that he felt right at home within the toxic waste dump of the once pristine city.
“It’s beautiful here and I have decided to make East Palestine my new home,” said Toxic Avenger while splashing around a highly contaminated and glowing pool of water. “This newly toxic East Palestine makes my former home in the nuclear cesspool known as New Jersey look clean by comparison.”
Toxic Avenger, or Toxie to friends, was once a normal-looking man until he fell into a drum of toxic waste in Tromaville, New Jersey. For years he said he would like to move to another state, but couldn’t find another place to live that was as highly toxic as his home on the East Coast. That is, until now.
“I’m really happy the federal government has decided not to help clean up East Palestine,” said Toxie as he watched a few of the town’s citizens turning into deformed monsters. “Thanks to the ineptitude of the Biden administration, I was able to find myself a new home that caters to the hideously deformed mutants crowd.”
After spending a few days in East Palestine, the Toxic Avenger realized that the Ohio city was too contaminated even for him, so he quickly moved back to New Jersey where the toxicity levels were at least bearable.
