EAST PALESTINE, OHIO– The Environmental Protection Agency was on the scene of the disastrous chemical spill in Ohio only days after the deadly event, and to prove that everything was safe and there was nothing to worry about, one brave worker drank a full glass of water only moments before growing a third arm out of his back.
“This water is fine and I feel great,” said Biff McSquiggins, the fearless EPA employee who kept it real and put his money where his mouth is. “In my professional opinion, I believe the environment here is fine and there’s nothing to worry about. I’ll prove it right now by drinking some water out of this garden hose tap that is glowing green for some strange reason.”
After drinking the brownish-green sludge water, McSquiggins wiped his mouth and then smiled for the cameras before shaking violently and crapping his pants while the arm began protruding from the melting skin on his back.
The head of the EPA Marcus Bastardson gave his condolences to the family of McSquiggins after the man’s painful death later on in the day, saying McSquiggins’ death had nothing to do with the vinyl chloride spill but rather because the EPA worker was unvaccinated.
“This is another unfortunate death that could’ve been avoided had everyone gotten vaccinated,” said Bastardson far, far away from East Palestine. “Vinyl chloride is safe and effective and I’ll prove it by having one of my unvaccinated employees drink a glass of it to put everyone’s minds at ease.”
