WASHINGTON– In an effort to cooperate with federal authorities in the ongoing top secret document investigation, President Joe Biden has offered to help locate more classified documents by patting down and groping every young woman he comes across who he says may have classified papers hidden somewhere on their bodies.
While fondling and sniffing a line of female interns inside of the Oval Office, Biden was overheard whispering into the girls’ ears and informing them that his aggressive acts of sexual touching were appropriate because he was an important, high-ranking Democrat politician.
“Ok, girls, recent intelligence reports have confirmed that you may have several classified documents hidden somewhere under your clothes,” said Biden as he moaned and ran his wrinkled hand down a woman’s back. “You gorgeous, young ladies must do your patriotic duty and allow me to check every part of your body to help find these documents that I stole so the FBI can go plant them at Trump’s house.”
Sources confirmed that a few more pages of documents were found under one woman’s dress, leading authorities to believe that Trump must have stashed them there to frame Biden.
“We found hundreds of top secret documents inside of a White House intern’s DD bra,” said FBI agent Hung Overton as Biden stuffed a few hundred dollar bills into the agent’s pocket. “Anonymous eye witness testimony informed us that they witnessed former President Trump wearing a Joe Biden mask stashing the documents inside of the woman’s bra.”
Agent Overton said Biden also found numerous classified documents at a local children’s playground.
