SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA– Another dangerous gas stove was taken off the streets Monday when police arrested the hazardous appliance for trying to slowly over time choke its male roommate by giving him asthma in the hopes that one day he would stop breathing.
This is the tenth gas stove arrest this week in San Francisco alone, with many other Democrat-run cities also seeing an uptick in the appliances attempting to murder their human counterparts.
“I’m calling on President Biden to ban these savage gas stoves immediately before another human dies at the hands of these monsters,” said Adam Schiff, a Democrat politician from California. “I have confirmed reports that these gas stoves are working on behalf of Russia in an effort to kill off Democrat voters to get former President Trump reelected.”
Democratic Governor of California Gavin Newsom reiterated Schiff’s belief that gas stoves are deadly Russian assets that need to be investigated by the Department of Justice and has recently signed a bill into law that has banned gas stoves in the Golden State.
“Any citizen caught harboring a smelly gas appliance will face a minimum of 90-years in prison,” said Newsom with a straight face. “Statistics show that gas stoves over a short period of time of about a half of a century will make exposed humans maybe, possibly cough a couple times. Perhaps.”
Trump addressed the gas stove controversy and Newsom’s comments, saying he will be holding a large BBQ rally this coming weekend.
