PALM BEACH, FLORIDA– After receiving a tip that an Eastern gray squirrel was seen rummaging through Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago home trashcan, brave FBI agents swiftly swung into action and raided the squirrel’s nest that was located up in a tree across the street from the president’s Florida residence.
Hundreds of armed FBI agents stormed the tree where the squirrel was said to be hiding evidence it had taken from Trump’s trashcan, with special agents taking over ten minutes to break down the rudimentary door that was made out of leaves and sticks the rodent had built to allude federal agents.
“We believe the squirrel was helping Trump to hide evidence that would lead to the former president’s indictment,” said Special Agent Hung Overton as FBI agents tried figuring out how to open the squirrel’s safe. “So far, our agents have confiscated numerous incriminating items from its home, including pizza crust, acorns, mushrooms, shredded papers, and a laptop with dozens of photos of underage female rodents.”
Agent Overton also searched the squirrel’s bathroom, searching for any papers the furry rodent may have been trying to dispose of before agents arrived. Overton said agents confiscated over a dozen squirrel turds and will be taking the poop back to the laboratory for further analysis.
The FBI has already charged the squirrel for destroying evidence by ripping up classified papers to make its nest. Authorities have also charged the rodent for growing psychedelic mushrooms and for having kit porn on its hard drive.
The squirrel stated that it was innocent of all charges and that the female squirrels on its laptop were not underage, being that most squirrels only live for approximately 12 years anyway.
