TAIPEI CITY, TAIWAN– House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s trip to Taiwan was abruptly cut short this week after she had finished drinking the entire country’s supply of alcohol, quickly getting aboard her plane immediately afterwards and then consuming one of her large pocket flasks that she kept hidden inside of her bra.
“We’re sad to inform Taiwanese citizens that your country is now dry,” said Foster brooks, a State Department representative for Pelosi. “We also would like to reassure any concerned Americans that Speaker Pelosi was quickly dragged onto her plane by four strong men and then safely given another 300 gallons of vodka to put into her body.”
The State Department official said that Pelosi’s blood alcohol level was at a dangerously low 42 percent, but quickly got it back up to her usual 92 percent with the vodka that was flooded into her elderly system.
“I haveta, gotta, I think I, think I, j-j-just pissed on a Chinese squirrel,” slurred Pelosi while drinking and being fed intravenous alcohol. “Mr. Trump better, uh, January sixty-nine applke, eeeha, who-who turned on my teeth?”
Immediately after landing back in the United States, Pelosi was airlifted to the closest brewery and then dropped down into a very large vat of alcohol to help speed up her recovery from the trip.
