ATLANTA, GEORGIA– In an honest statement today, the most trusted name in news CNN admitted that they are jealous of their rival Fox News following the rightwing network’s recently implemented extreme vaccine mandate for their own employees after telling their viewers for months that mandates by employers are bad.
CNN executives were said to be “very distraught” and “highly envious” of the Fox Corporation’s ability to cloak themselves as a freedom-loving company while at the same time using the same authoritarian tactics they constantly preach against.
“We admit, we’re very jealous and also highly impressed that Fox News has outdone us as fake news tyrants,” said CNN president Jeff Zucker with tears in his eyes. “I thought we here at CNN had cornered the market on being absolute, tyrannical controllers over our employees. We promise we will double our efforts and take back the title of most autocratic news company that we once held.”
Zucker added, “Not only did we let ourselves down, but we also let down our boss, China’s President Xi Jinping. I feel horrible after he’s been paying us a lot of money all these years to do what Fox News is now doing.”
Sources claim President Xi was furious after he learned that the Fox News channel was actually more communist than his China-funded employees over at CNN, which was why he hired former Fox host Chris Wallace to join his team to teach the fake news CNN executives how to be better dictators.
At the time of this writing, CNN slightly redeemed themselves by having their security hold down host Don Lemon and then jab his butthole repeatedly with dozens of injections.
