WASHINGTON– Former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi reaffirmed a promise she made a few years ago that she would contemplate retirement from politics before she hits the age of 200, which is only a mere 11 years away.
Although Pelosi has been dropping vague hints for the last 55 years that she was considering giving up the gavel to someone much younger than herself, possibly 149 year old Maxine Waters, she says its her hatred for the United States that has kept her motivated to stay in office.
“I still have much work to do on the destruction of America,” Nancy Pelosi said after picking her dentures up from off the ground. “I learned many years ago from the great and wise former President Woodrow Wilson that the dismantling of America doesn’t just happen overnight.”
Young, active 119 year old Republican Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell blasted Nancy Pelosi for refusing to step aside for much younger politicians like himself and also chastised her for using up all the Depends underwear and not leaving any for the rest of the young, pants-crapping centenarian Congressman.
“Selfishly taking all the Depends undergarments is typical Pelosi partisan politics,” McConnell said in a news press briefing while sitting on a Capitol Building toilet. “It’s time for old relics like Pelosi to retire and make way for us younger officials who don’t crap their pants as many times a day as she does.”
There’s no way Pelosi’s only 189 years old. I’ve been in Pelosi’s mouth at least 220 years.