ORANGE, CALIFORNIA– Former President Bill Clinton begged the University of California Irvine Medical Center to not release him and has refused to go back home to his wife Hillary, saying that his stay at the hospital has been a much-needed break from his significant other.
Once the spry 75 year old Clinton found out he was set to be released this morning, he locked the door to his hospital room and handcuffed himself to his bed, refusing all requests from staff to leave the premises to make room for another vaccine-injured patient.
“Please don’t make me go back home to that old, nasty hag Hillary,” Clinton said through tears while orderlies banged on his room door. “This is the first time in a long time I’ve had peace and quiet and haven’t had to listen to a loud, shrill voice cackling over my shoulder constantly.”
An aid to the former president told reporters that Clinton has been under an exorbitant amount of stress ever since Hillary became unemployed in 2016 and she began staying home twenty-four hours a day, focusing all of her anger and hatred for Trump toward her husband Bill.
“Bill, when the hell are you coming out of there?” Hillary asked loudly after taking over the hospital’s intercom system. “I swear to Satan, if you don’t get home right now I’ll take all your cute little playthings away and then make you rub my cankles every night for two weeks.”
