HELL– Due to the overwhelming amount of negativity surrounding the new coronavirus vaccine, Satan wanted to reassure everyone that the miraculous shot being pushed onto the entire world’s population whether anyone needs it or not has nothing to do with him trying to steal human’s everlasting souls.
Immediately after numerous witnesses stated that vaccine participants dropped dead and had their souls sucked down into Hell, Satan gave a fireside chat to ease nervous people’s minds who mistakenly believe the conspiracy theory that his relatives Bill Gates and Dr. Anthony Fauci are implanting microchips into people to track them until they eventually die from sickness and wake up within the fiery pits of darkness.
“That’s a crazy idea,” Satan said from a medical virology lab in Hell right outside of Wuhan, China. “Look, I may have lied a couple times in the past, but I had good reasons to. I swear I’m telling the truth this time and people need to stop spreading farfetched conspiracy theories they read by some hippie prophet in the Bible.”
Satan went on to say just because the vaccine chip goes into your forehead and you can’t buy or sell without the mark and that it’s also named after him doesn’t mean that it’s the official mark of the beast.
“Don’t worry, folks, I’ll let you know when the real mark of the beast is here, trust me,” Satan said with a charred smile as his son Dr. Fauci made room for their future guests. “The real mark will be placed on the opposite areas of where the Bible says, it’ll be either on your left hand or back of your head. Believe me, I’m old so that means I’m wise.”
Reliable news source The Washington Post wrote an article on Wednesday praising the distinguished Devil’s bravery for facing his demon-phobic accusers and lambasted bigoted Christians for referring to him as a “beast” and for refusing to take Satan’s vaccine due to their hatred of demons of color.
