SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA– Gov. Gavin Newsom issued a new executive order on Monday in response to the lagging coronavirus pandemic reaction by California citizens, which states that people have 14 days to begin obeying his guidelines or he will start governing without any clothes on.
Newsom made the executive order official by signing it with one of Nancy Pelosi’s Donald Trump impeachment pens, noting that every county in the state must comply or be faced with strict Newsom-nakedness fines.
The giddy governor celebrated the signing of the executive order by giving a nude press conference while standing behind a very narrow podium, warning the millions of people in California that after the two weeks are up he’ll be giving daily COVID-19 briefings without the cover of clothes or a podium.
“Due to California citizens not following my simple coronavirus guidelines, such as shutting down all businesses and keeping everyone locked inside their homes for twenty-four hours a day,” Newsom said in a professional tone as the camera panned in on his waxed chest, “I was forced to take drastic measures to force everyone to take this virus seriously and to hopefully finally slow the spread.”
Newsom added that if people living in California don’t start helping to stop the spread of COVID-19 they’ll be forced to watch him spread his legs as he goes about his daily duties while in the nude, such as getting in and out of his car, doing an hour of aerobics, bending over to pick up objects, and doing the limbo while blasting Joe Biden speeches.
Numerous politicians took to Twitter to praise Newsom’s proactive approach to slowing down the number of cases in The Golden State, including Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot who says she plans on implementing her own naked policy by forcing already demoralized Chicago police officers to turn in their uniforms and start patrolling in the buff.
“As part of my defund the police policy,” Lightfoot stated on Twitter, “we can no longer afford to pay for our police officer’s uniforms. So starting immediately I’ll be ridiculing every officer even further with my mandatory naked police force. A naked cop will be less likely to discriminate against our city’s minority community.”
UPDATE: After this article was written, it was reported that the city of San Francisco will be ignoring Newsom’s executive order.
