TATOOINE– The galaxy’s most powerful gangster Jabba the Hutt has gained a whole new audience after his drastic weight loss became galactic headline news and he credits all the online haters as his inspiration.
Jabba recently gave up his job as one of the most feared slug-like aliens to pursue modeling after losing over 2,000 pounds. The skinny waif now weighs a dangerously low 1,012 pounds and he intends to lose even more.
The ruthless crime lord’s weight had ballooned up to 3,523 pounds last year when he became depressed and began binge eating while murdering everyone around him, including his former cackling, non-binary sidekick Salacious Crumb.
The family of Jabba has been pleading with him to stop trying to lose more weight and claims that the former fatty suffers from an eating disorder.
“Dad’s down to only eating seventy pounds of food a day,” said Jabba’s worried son Rotta. “I never thought I’d see the day when my once evil dad would destroy his body like this. I want my morbidly obese father back.”
But according to Jabba’s Instagram page, he has no intention of slowing down the sexy fat-melting transformation.
“I lost another ninety-two pounds this week,” Jabba posted yesterday under a photo of himself working out in the gym with his trainer. “Pretty soon everyone at my palace will be mistaking me for a thin Kaminoan”
Resistance army physician Dr. Kalonia, who specializes in aliens with eating disorders, says Jabba’s weight loss, while commendable, will lead to drastic consequences if he loses too much more.
The sympathetic doctor went on to say that even though she opposes every malicious, homicidal thing that Jabba’s done, she still wishes him well and urges him to call the Rebellion’s free eating disorder hotline to seek help.
There he can speak to other nasty fat aliens who have lost massive amounts of weight, but then gained it all back, making them even angrier than before.
