DOVER, DELAWARE– Hold it in! Medical professionals from the Dover Fecal Matter Studies Institute have come out with some startling evidence that suggests that having a bowel movement may kill you or at least shorten your lifespan.
The three year long study, which is being called Killer Crap by the media, has shown that every time someone takes a poop they lose approximately 1.8 years off of their life.
Dr. Whett Shart, head physician on the Killer Crap study, was kind enough to give Daily Soak staff a raw one on one interview. Dr. Shart explained in his own words just how dangerous the simple task of relieving oneself inside the bathroom or woods can be.
Daily Soak: Dr. Shart, thank you for taking time out of your busy feces schedule to tell the world just how dangerous having a bowl movement can be.
Dr. Shart: You’re welcome. And it’s bowel movement, not bowl movement. But anyway, I figured that giving a serious interview to a satire news site was the best way to let the world know of the high death rate from bowl movements. I mean, bowel movements.
Daily Soak: Thanks, but enough of the pleasantries, doctor. I’m sure the world would like to know more about how and why crapping can kill them.
Dr. Shart: Yes. Our three year long study has concluded that during defecation, when a person takes in a deep breath in order to exert enough pressure to relieve oneself, ventilation ceases which forces thoracic blood pressure to rise and thus causes the amount of blood pumped by the heart to decrease. Now, previous medical research has shown that death often occurs due to this rise in blood pressure and can cause aneurysms.
Daily Soak: Interesting, but what does that mean?. So people die from holding their breath which gives them an aneurysm?
Dr. Shart: In so many words, no.
Daily Soak: Then what is it? Don’t leave the world in suspense, Dr. Shart. That’s like a patient coming into your office with a poisonous snake attached to his balls and then complaining of hair loss.
Dr. Shart: During our three year long study, we strapped every one of our test subjects, I mean volunteers, down to a toilet and then pumped them full of diuretics and laxatives continuously without giving them any food or drink. Every one of the subjects died from malnutrition, dehydration, etc. So we concluded from this evidence that bowel movements due in fact kill people. The average subject only lasted 6.2 days until death. The longest subject held out for ten days, poor guy.
Daily Soak: Wow, that’s one brutal turd, doc. Now I understand why so many paranoid people are forgoing defecation and opting for anal sutures.
Dr. Shart: Indeed. Due to this new evidence, thousands of people have not only thrown out their toilets to do away with the mere temptation of having a bowel movement, but are also turning to ways to seal their anal cavities, such as anal sutures, duct tape, and also spraying roofing foam into their anal cavity.
My office is now taking appointments for anyone who would like to stave off death and have their anus permanently closed shut. For only $45,000 I’ll use high-grade sewing string to pierce through the buttock skin and close up the anal cavity. For those on a tight budget, for only $40 I’ll shove a dead rat into the anal cavity. The toxic fumes from the dead rat have been proven to stave off peristalsis or at least make the person so disgusted by the dead rat smell that they refuse to spread apart their buttocks.
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Visitor Rating: 5 Stars
Visitor Rating: 5 Stars