JASPER, WASHINGTON– Think predicting the weather is difficult? For most meteorologists it is, but for one weatherman, predicting the weather is as simple as making vague assumptions.
Meteorologist Danny “The Bolt” Lightning, 45, attests his weather-predicting accuracy to his innate ability at becoming one with Mother Nature by stripping off all his clothes and letting her emotions enter inside of him.
“I learned this technique as a kid,” Lightning said as he stood naked in his backyard predicting tomorrow’s weather. “All my colleagues use sophisticated equipment and rely on their years of education to inaccurately make weather predictions. I simply let the earth speak to me.
“Tomorrow’s weather will have a specific hot-cooler temperature as well as some kind of cloudy, cloudless, sunny, rainy, snowy sky,” he added. “I want all my listeners and fans to be prepared and make sure they keep an umbrella, winter parka, snow boots, and bathing suit handy so they’re ready for what lies ahead tomorrow.”
Although every one of Lightning’s fellow meteorologists claims that he’s a fraud who uses generalizations to keep his prediction streak in tack, he insists that if they just utilize his strategy more people will come to respect and depend on the weatherman again.
“In general, us weathermen have a very bad reputation,” he admitted, taking another round of his antipsychotic medication. “Because of the ineptitude of my colleagues, most people have looked elsewhere for their weather predictions, such as animals, their wet fingers, sticking their head out a window, alcohol, or drugs. Maybe my abilities will bring back the public’s trust in us.”
Danny Lightning earned his meteorology degree from watching the movie The Weather Man fifty times and lives at the Jasper Mental Institution.
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