WASHINGTON– Government officials have made a daring move by changing this year’s Fourth of July holiday to July 5, saying that this will assist the millions of Americans who are always forced to work on the holiday due to money-hungry, uncaring corporations.
According to Congressman Matt Gaetz from Florida, millions of hardworking Americans will finally have the chance to celebrate the Fifth of July with friends and family.
“This is a long overdue alteration to what some call Independence Day,” Gaetz said as he sweated into his eyelids. “Thanks to overbearing, ungrateful, unsatisfied, avarice, acquisitive, greedy, and rapacious corporate conglomerations, John Q. Public must spend every Fourth of July working his tail off and not enjoying himself. Congress felt that it was time to make a few changes to one of America’s most obscure holidays.”
The real Independence Day, says Gaetz , technically occurred on July 5, 1776, not July 4 as most uneducated people assume.
“Thomas Jefferson actually made the final revision to the Declaration of Independence at 12:01 am on the Fifth,” Gaetz explained as he roasted a hot dog on the steps of the U.S. Capitol. “The reason the Continental Congress decided to go with the Fourth is because John Adams stated that Jefferson wouldn’t complete it till the Fifth and, being the megalomaniac Jefferson was, he rolled back all the clocks by two minutes, just to prove Adams wrong.”
Congress wants all would-be July 5 celebrators to know that all fireworks displays, barbecues with families, festive parades, and having the day off will still occur on July 4, not on July 5.
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