VIENNA, AUSTRIA– An 8 year old boy with learning disabilities defeated twenty male chess champions all at once in Austria’s yearly chess tournament, making the young boy the oldest champion since Austria implemented the annual tournament. Last year’s winner, a blind 3 year old, defeated thirty men at once and in under five minutes.
According to Austrian news outlets, Gustav Schwarzenegger defeated his opponents in less than ten minutes and earned the crown as Austria’s oldest winner ever. The boy’s parents, Johann and Matilda, apologized to the world for not letting their son compete at a more sensible age, such as 2 or 3.
“Yes, everyone is condemning us for it,” said 32 year old Johann Schwarzenegger to reporters by way of translator. “Most children enter these chess tournaments no later than 4 years old, but people must understand that our little boy is special. Some people say that my son should give the trophy back and let someone younger compete.”
The Austrian government has gone on record and said that, although there’s no laws forbidding children as old as Gustav from competing in the chess tournaments, it’s common decency to not enter them into the competitions once they hit 6 years old.
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“We couldn’t stop them from entering him in the tournament,” Austrian President Heinz Fischer said in an interview, “but we tried persuading Gustav’s parents from making this mistake and embarrassing themselves. Now these parents will have the stigma of an 8 year old boy with learning disabilities defeating twenty chess masters in under ten minutes surrounding them for the rest of their lives. If it was me, I’d never show my face in public again.”
Update: After this article was written, it was reported that Gustav was kicked out of his special needs school, Johann was terminated from his job as violin maker, and Matilda had to help the family make ends meet by working as a prostitute for elderly, defeated chess masters.
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