OCEAN CITY, MARYLAND– Defying all laws of science, a 22 year old woman has become pregnant after a local 61 year old homeless man ejaculated into the filter of a public swimming pool.
According to a report by the always reliable MSNBC, Monica Brewer was swimming in a rundown public pool in Ocean City when she noticed a filthy-looking man facing the pool’s filter and rocking back and forth.
“I thought he was just cleaning himself off,” Brewer told MSNBC news reporters three months after the incident, her belly starting to protrude. “How was I to know that he was getting himself off instead.”
Even though the chances of a woman becoming pregnant from semen floating inside of a swimming pool is extremely rare, it’s not impossible, says swimming pool service expert Fred Becker.
“Yeah, I’ve seen this happen before,” pool expert Becker said as he threw some extra chlorine tablets into the skimmer of the pool in question. “About two years ago this happened to another girl. If you don’t put just the right amount of chlorine in the skimmer, the guy’s baby-makers will survive. Unfortunately, those sperm have adapted to years and years of chlorine.”
Everything that goes through the filter is processed, cleaned and pushed back into the pool, says Becker.
“The sperm’s too small for the filter holes,” he added, holding up a filter for the camera. “It’s like throwing a banana down a hallway.”
Medical experts are warning all women to take extra precautions whenever swimming in public pools, especially in pools located in high homeless people areas.
“The blame doesn’t lie with the homeless men,” said Dr. Susan Holmes, a local physician who runs the San Francisco East Shelter. “The responsibility lies with these women. The homeless men are just doing what comes natural. It’s their innate instincts that leads them to do these types of things.”
The doctor added, “These women should take extra precautions before they enter into the pools, such as hiring local prostitutes for these homeless men so that they won’t have the physical desire to utilize pools as sexual outlets.”
Mom-to-be Monica Brewer says that she’ll be going through with the pregnancy and has been keeping a watchful eye on her due date calculator.
“Yeah, I’m keeping it,” she said with a large smile, rubbing dirt all over her belly. “I’ve already talked to the homeless guy. His name’s Martin. He says he wants to be there for our baby. I’ve already moved into his cardboard box and cleared away all his urine bottles to make room for our baby-room.”
I always wondered why homeless men were excellent swimmers.
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