STAMFORD, CONNECTICUT– Famous child star Goldilocks recently appeared on The Maury Povich Show after finding out that she had become pregnant, claiming that the father is definitely one of The Three Bears. She believes that after falling asleep in Baby Bear’s bed, all three ravenous anthropomorphic bears took turns gang-raping her in a twisted game of sexual debauchery.
After coming onto Maury’s stage and giving the audience the details, Goldilocks explained that the porridge that she had stolen was laced with some type of date rape drug.
“Yeah, yeah, that’s right, Maury,” said Goldilocks, wearing her blonde hair in braids and showing the audience her distended pregnancy belly. “Those three deadbeat losers be tryin’ to claim they know nuthin’ ’bout why I be pregnant. All three say they ain’t the father. Well, I’m here to tell ya. Maury, I ain’t no slut and one of them players is the father.”
After Maury told Goldilocks that only Papa Bear and Baby Bear are males, the buxom blonde stated that Mama Bear may in fact be a male as well.
“Well, let’s bring ’em out,” Maury said as The Three Bears came out onto the stage to the sounds of boos and insults.
According to the official police report, Goldilocks admitted to breaking and entering as well as theft of the Three Bears’ property, but claims that while in the house she was gang-raped against her will and is only asking for the real father to pay his child support.
“This’s bullshit,” Father Bear snapped, giving the audience a middle-fingered gesture. “Man, I ain’t never touched this dumb-ass ho. She the one who broke into my crib. She be known all ’round the ghetto as Lucky Stripe since every brother in town’s smoked her ass at least once.”
Maury calmed the irate guests down and whipped out a large white envelope with the results of the DNA tests, ready to give everyone the exciting news.
“As for all Three Bears,” Maury started to say, adjusting his blue turtleneck sweater, “you are all not the fathers.”
Once the Three Bears laughed and spit on Goldilocks, they left her onstage with a broken heart and a handful of tears.
Empathetic Maury took the opportunity to console Goldilocks by feeling up her large breasts.
“We can help you find the real father if you’d like,” he asked a weeping Goldilocks, licking his wrinkled lips. “Do you have any idea who the real father may be? It wasn’t me, was it?”
“I dunno, Maury,” Goldilocks sobbed, her blue and white dress drenched. “Now that I thinks about it, those Three Bears never even touched me. I did some meth before I hit their crib that day, so I guess I’m wrong. Now that I thinks ’bout it, I remember later that night I woke up in some Italian woodcarver’s shed lying next to a puppet with a really long nose.”
Visitor Rating: 5 Stars
Visitor Rating: 5 Stars