HOLLYWOOD– In a lengthy one sentence memo sent out by the Federal Bureau of Investigation, better known as the F.B.I., B-list celebrity Nicolas Cage is wanted for impersonating a real actor onscreen without the proper training or asking if anyone minded.
According to the always reliable MSNBC, faux actor Nicolas Cage is being sought by federal authorities on numerous charges of impersonating an actor in many big budget Hollywood classics such as Guarding Tess, Vampire’s Kiss, and Amos & Andrew, co-starring real actor Samuel L. Jackson.
Sources close to Nicolas Cage say that this is merely a witch-hunt due to Cage’s lackluster portrayal of F.B.I. chemical warfare agent Stanley Goodspeed in Sean Connery’s box-office smash The Rock.
“The boys at the F.B.I. never forgave Cage for that,” said The Rock director Michael Bay on the set of his upcoming movie Transformers 12: Enough’s Enough. “I directed Cage on The Rock and even though he did a lousy job, he did the best lousy job anyone could’ve done. You gotta give Cage credit for that.”
To show the seriousness of the charges, the F.B.I. has upped Cage’s status on the F.B.I.’s Ten Most Wanted list, giving Cage the dubious honor of being number two, right under Islamic terrorist Sheik Saalam Haleem Islamabod the 3rd.
When asked if he knew the whereabouts of Cage, Michael Bay was more than willing to cooperate. “Oh yeah, he’ll be Leaving Las Vegas today and then he’ll be Gone in Sixty Seconds after he hops on a Con-Air for his Honeymoon in Vegas. I don’t know why he just doesn’t stay in Vegas, but that’s Cage for ya. Always unpredictable.”
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