Klaus Schwab To New Twitter CEO: ‘Linda, I Am Your Father’
COLOGNY, SWITZERLAND-- Upon hearing the predictable news that Elon Musk had hired Linda Yaccarino as the new CEO of Twitter, World Economic Forum head Klaus Schwab was quick to put…
Dianne Feinstein Retires From Politics To Host New ‘Tales From The Crypt’ Reboot
WASHINGTON-- After taking a very long absence to reconstruct her body, 369-year-old California Senator Dianne Feinstein reemerged from her coffin to announce that she has officially retired from politics and…
George Santos Evades Arrest By Pausing Time Then Using His Super Speed To Travel Back In Time
LONG ISLAND, NEW YORK-- Just as federal authorities were about to make an arrest of George Santos on various charges, the superhuman representative from New York was quick to use…
People Magazine: ‘Jabba The Hutt Looks Truly Beautiful In New Underwear Selfie’
U.S.-- Tatooine crime lord Jabba the Hutt is the latest plus size celebrity to grace People's sexiest creatures edition, with the American magazine calling Hutt the sexiest, most gorgeous creature…
Biden Prepares For Nuclear World War 3 By Stockpiling Tampons, Makeup, And Hormones
WASHINGTON-- As tensions between countries continue to escalate, Joe Biden has taken a proactive approach and has announced that he has begun stockpiling much needed items for his new and…
Democrats Tear Down George Floyd Memorial To Make Room For Monument To Latest Hero
U.S.-- Democrat politicians around the country have already moved on to their next heroic martyr Jordan Neely and have begun work on a new monument in his honor by first…
Biden: ‘I Don’t Feel A Day Over A Hundred’
WASHINGTON-- Amid speculation that he is too old, senile, and unfit for office, President Joe Biden reassured his skeptics that he's just as spry as ever and that he doesn't…
Jimmy Kimmel Says He’ll Write His Own Jokes After Writers Go On Strike
HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA-- Late night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel has stunned everyone by promising that he will carry on with his Jimmy Kimmel Live show even though all his Hollywood…
COVID Virus Files Restraining Order Against ‘Stalker’ Dr. Fauci
WASHINGTON-- As Dr. Fauci has been making the rounds on news media lately saying he had nothing to do with COVID, the ubiquitous virus wanted to set the record straight…
Ron DeSantis Signs Bill Making It Illegal To Criticize Movie ‘The Hebrew Hammer’
JERUSALEM, ISRAEL-- In an effort to continue his quest to combat dangerous antisemitism, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis flew to Israel this week to sign a bill cracking down on any…
Kevin Bacon Changes Name To ‘Banana’ After Going Vegan
HOLLYWOOD-- Famous American actor Kevin Bacon did a recent interview where he shocked the world by changing his last name to "Banana" after going vegan, saying that he couldn't in…
Biden Distracts From Presidential Failures By Wearing Extremely Large, Oversized Hat
WASHINGTON-- As a way to take everyone's attention away from his administration's destruction of the country, Joe Biden was seen sporting a very large Mexican sombrero hat in public in…
