JOINT BASE ANDREWS, MARYLAND– The world’s most trusted news source CNN has reported breaking news that President Donald Trump has viciously attacked an innocent news reporter’s microphone in a fit of rage in what anonymous sources are calling the March 14th Insurrection.
CNN devoted a five hour program Saturday morning to discuss the tragic event and are calling on Congress to impeach the president for the way he stormed forward and then used his face as a dangerous weapon against the boom mic.
“This is the most horrifying incident since 911,” said CNN host Jake Tapper with a straight face. “This pains my inner soul to have to report this, but President Trump has violently attacked an innocent news reporter’s microphone with his face. Anonymous sources are claiming President Trump lunged his face forward with the intent on killing the microphone in an effort to usher in an era of racist, transphobic dictatorship.”
Tapper later reported the heartbreaking news that the microphone had passed away due to severe blunt force trauma and asphyxiation from the orange makeup that got smeared all over it. Because the microphone was black, Trump is also faces hate crime charges.
In solidarity with the deceased microphone, Democrats held a vigil for the boom mic where they took a knee in its remembrance. New York Democrat Chuck Schumer stated that the microphone will also get a gold casket and statue in its honor.
