Celebrities Declare ‘Democracy Dead’ After Being Forced To Vacuum Own Homes Following Deportations
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA — Democracy itself was pronounced officially "dead" Thursday after several wealthy Hollywood celebrities reported being forced to perform basic household tasks following the deportation of their longtime,…
Xi Jinping Invites Keir Starmer To China To Show Citizens What A Real Dictator Looks Like
BEIJING, CHINA — In a subtle geopolitical maneuver intended to boost domestic morale, Chinese President Xi Jinping hosted UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer this week, showcasing for the Chinese public…
Ilhan Omar Distracts From Daycare Fraud Scandal With Winery Fraud Scandal
MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA — In what's being called a Somalian 4D chess move, Rep. Ilhan Omar has reportedly deflected attention from lingering questions about her alleged ties to Minnesota's exploding Somali…
Vindictive Biden Calls ICE On Anchor Baby Kamala
WASHINGTON — In retaliation for scheming to oust him from the 2024 presidential campaign, former President Joe Biden has contacted Immigration and Customs Enforcement to report former Vice President Kamala…
China Appoints Mark Carney Provincial Party Secretary Of Canada
BEIJING, CHINA — In a move described by state media as largely symbolic and already functionally accurate, China officially appointed Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney as Provincial Party Secretary of…
Tim Walz Relieved After Seeing Polymarket Odds Of Pam Bondi Arresting Him Are Basically Zero
ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA — Minnesota Governor Tim Walz was seen letting out a long, audible sigh of relief this morning after refreshing a Polymarket betting pool titled "Will AG Pam…
Worried Canadians Hold Intervention For Family Member Still Doing ‘Elbows Up’
TORONTO, CANADA — Concerned Canadian relatives gathered quietly in a semi circle around a living room coffee table Saturday morning to stage what they described as a loving, nonjudgmental intervention…
IRS Reminds Paid ICE Protesters Earnings Still Count As Taxable Income
WASHINGTON — The Internal Revenue Service (IRS) issued a gentle but firm reminder this week that any income earned while protesting Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) still qualifies as taxable,…
Heartbreaking News: 54-Year-Old Justin Trudeau Found Alive And Well At Davos
DAVOS, SWITZERLAND — In devastating news that has left the Great White North in mourning, former Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was confirmed Thursday to be alive, healthy, and in…
Pam Bondi Fears Arresting Criminals Might Set Dangerous Precedent Of Consequences
WASHINGTON — Attorney General Pam Bondi reportedly warned Americans this week that arresting criminals could create a slippery slope in which laws are enforced, expectations are raised, and powerful people…
UK Sends Elite Soldier To Defend Greenland Against The US
NUUK, GREENLAND. In what British officials described as a clear demonstration of deterrence against U.S. aggression, the United Kingdom’s entire military contribution to Greenland was revealed to consist of a…
Denmark Threatens Salty Licorice Embargo On U.S. Over Greenland Dispute
COPENHAGEN, DENMARK — Escalating tensions with the United States over President Donald Trump’s renewed interest in acquiring Greenland and his tariffs against Denmark and the rest of Europe, Danish officials…
