Pharisees Hold First-Ever ‘No Kings’ Protest Against Jesus
JERUSALEM — Tensions reached a boiling point in the streets of Jerusalem this week as thousands of radical Pharisees, Sadducees, and scribes descended upon the Temple Mount for the first-ever…
Costco Canada Now Offering Bulk Euthanasia Packages For The Whole Family
OTTAWA, CANADA—In a move to further streamline the most successful healthcare initiative in national history, Costco Canada has announced an exclusive partnership with Health Canada and the federal government to…
Nation Beginning To Suspect Congress Is Not Acting In Their Best Interests
WASHINGTON — Following decades of stagnant wages, crumbling infrastructure, and the rising cost of literally everything, a growing number of Americans are slowly beginning to harbor a sneaking suspicion that…
JD Vance Conducts High-Stakes Iran Talks Through Trump Sock Puppet
TEHRAN, IRAN — In a move officials are calling innovative and cost-effective, President Donald Trump has reportedly dispatched JD Vance to negotiate with Iranian leadership using a sock puppet of…
Biden Volunteers For TSA Duty So He Can Legally Grope Women Again
WASHINGTON — Citing his deep commitment to public service, former President Joe Biden has generously volunteered his time to work as an unpaid TSA agent at major airports crippled by…
Trump Sends Steven Seagal To Singlehandedly Defeat Entire Iranian Military, Assures War Will End Before Credits Roll
WASHINGTON — Expressing frustration with the slow pacing and boring dialogue of the current conflict with Iran, President Donald Trump announced on Sunday that the United States is officially pivoting…
Laid-Off TSA Agent Gets New Job Aggressively Patting Down Customers At Walmart Exit
PHOENIX, ARIZONA — Following recent federal budget cuts that left thousands of transportation security officers out of work, former TSA agent Kyle Higgins has reportedly found a new sense of…
Japan Prime Minister Offers Severed Pinky After Refusing Trump’s Request For Warships
WASHINGTON—In what Japan described as a deeply meaningful gesture of respect, accountability, and atonement, Japanese Prime Minister Sanae Takaichi reportedly concluded her meeting with President Donald Trump by presenting him…
After Discovering He’s Gay, Iran’s Supreme Leader Throws Himself Off Rooftop As Punishment
TEHRAN, IRAN — In a shocking act of ideological consistency, Iran’s new Supreme Leader, Mojtaba Khamenei, reportedly carried out a swift, one-man execution of himself early Wednesday morning after learning…
Republicans Worried Passing SAVE Act May Lead To Election Integrity
WASHINGTON — Expressing what they described as a quiet but deeply uncomfortable concern, several Senate Republicans gathered behind closed doors this week to discuss the terrifying possibility that the SAVE Act…
Gavin Newsom Announces Task Force To Prevent Future Fraud Discoveries
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA — Responding to a growing wave of fraud revelations uncovered by independent journalists, Gavin Newsom announced the formation of a new statewide task force dedicated to ensuring that…
Oscars Add New Category For Best Performance Replacing White Character In Hollywood Remake
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA — Viewers tuning into Sunday night’s Academy Awards were surprised when the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences abruptly unveiled a brand-new award midway through the…
