ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA– As the walls of justice continue closing in, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz reportedly burned the Minnesota State Archives to the ground Wednesday after learning the building contained several decades’ worth of documents related to the massive amount of fraud in his state.
Witnesses report seeing the Governor standing outside the building early in the morning wearing a fire helmet and holding a flamethrower as the building engulfed in a massive inferno. Federal prosecutors are calling the incident obstruction of justice on an industrial scale while Walz claimed the whole thing was just an unfortunate accident.
“It was a complete accident, honest,” Tim Walz told reporters while still holding the flamethrower and backpack, his eyebrows singed and clothes still smelling of lighter fluid. “I went down to the archives to personally organize the ‘Feeding Our Future’ documents for the FBI. While I was there, I was using this flamethrower to… uh… check for drafts. You know, for safety reasons. It’s a very old building. Drafty. And then, whoosh! The whole section labeled ‘Crimes We Committed (2020-2025)’ just went up in flames. Terrible luck.”
Immediately after burning down the records building and destroying all evidence tying him to the billion-dollar Somali fraud, Walz opened an investigation into the incident, only to declare it an accident in which he had no part just five minutes later.
“Well, it looks like this case is officially closed,” Walz said confidently.
At press time, Walz was spotted walking across the street to the Department of Human Services building, where he intended to use a flamethrower to tackle a terrible termite problem that could only be solved with fire.
