BEIJING, CHINA– Immediately after President Donald Trump raised US tariffs in response to China’s retaliatory 34% increase in their tariffs, the government of the Chinese Communist Party decided to hit back even harder by threatening to stop all bribe money payments given to United States politicians.
In a serious show of force, China stated they were done playing nice in the trade war with the Trump administration and said that if the tariffs against their country aren’t removed then all the US Congress members currently employed by China will no longer receive their paychecks.
“If President Trump wants to play hard, then I can get even harder,” said CCP President Xi Jinping in an address to the nation. “President Trump may have a slight advantage over China in this trade war, but we have an advantage over Mr. Trump since we control so many of his politicians. I’m sure those Congress members won’t be happy if I suddenly stop their bribe money that we pay them to destroy the United States from within.”
President Xi also said that the Chinese government was also coming up with a workaround to the Trump administration’s recent ban on US politicians having romantic relationships with Chinese spies by using their all-new new cyborg robots disguised as legal American citizens.
The Chinese government told Trump that they would be willing to negotiate, saying if the US dropped their tariffs on China then all Chinese restaurants in the US will start using real chicken in their recipes rather than the cat, dog, and seagull that they serve to the Americans.
