WASHINGTON– As soon as the news had spread that Mitch McConnell was stepping down from his position as GOP Senate leader, the Kentucky Republican was quick to set the record straight that he has no plans on retiring and that he has plenty of life left in his frail, decrepit body.
The 192-year-old McConnell gave a press conference to quell all the happiness that was coming from the millions of Republican voters across the country who had believed he was retiring, with Mitch saying he’s still too young and energetic and not even 200-years-old yet.
“Hate to disappoint you all, but I’m not leaving just yet,” said McConnell after freezing for the last twenty minutes. “This dog’s still got a lot of bite left in him, as long as I put my false teeth in first. I may be stepping down as head of the Senate GOP, but I still have a very long career ahead of me.”
While receiving a blood transfusion on live TV, McConnell promised his two genuine supporters that he won’t give up his job that easily, and plans on staying in Congress even long after his death.
“When us politicians said Congress was a lifetime career, we meant it,” said McConnell as a little bit of color came back to his pale face. “I’m just as fresh, spry, and competent as I was a 150 years ago when I campaigned for then Republican President Ulysses S. Grant back in 1874.”
Other Congress members who have emphatically stated they have no plans on retiring soon are 175-year old Democrat Bernie Sanders, and 220-year-old Chuck Grassley, and also 169-year-old President Joe Biden.
