WASHINGTON– After waiting almost a year and half to finally visit East Palestine, Ohio, Joe Biden told a large group of angry citizens that he plans on making an amends for his total lack of concern by making an extremely large financial donation to the corrupt country of Ukraine.
Once Biden’s goon squad finished beating all the town’s citizens for voicing their displeasure at what an incompetent president he is, Biden tried calming the crowd down by announcing the good news that both Ukraine and President Volodymyr Zelensky will get a hell of a lot richer off the backs of struggling Americans.
“Great news, folks,” said Biden while wearing an industrial gas mask so that he didn’t breathe the city’s contaminated air. “I heard you folks are a little unhappy with my response to your West Philadelphia tugboat crash, but I came all the way here from Beijing, China to give you the good news that I’ll be sending another $66 billion to Ukraine and I’ll be making that donation in East Pleasantville, New York’s name.”
Once his five minute photo op had finished, Secret Service agents whisked Biden away and to the nearest ice cream parlor 500 hundred miles away from East Palestine.
Before Biden left, the town’s mayor offered the president a glass of water from the local East Palestine water supply, only to be turned away rather abruptly.
“Hell no, you gotta be kidding me, Jack?” Said Biden to the mayor as he turned his nose up at the offer. “I wouldn’t eat or drink anything out of this town. I heard the food and water here’s polluted because that horrible president, whoever he is, refused to clean up this place.”
After his aides informed him that he was in East Palestine to try to win an election, they handed Biden a glass of water from a water bottle and had the president drink it to prove that the water in the city was fine.
“Hey, it worked for Obama,” said Biden with a smirk, referring to the time when Obama pretended to drink a glass of water from Flint, Michigan’s contaminated water supply.
