MOSCOW, RUSSIA– In yet another attempt to win the war in Ukraine at all costs, Vladimir Putin has reportedly cut off his own arm as a way to hurt Ukraine after he had just recently bombed his Kakhovka Dam, blew up his Nord Stream pipeline, ran his car over a cliff, and set his personal home on fire.
With his severed arm lying on the ground, Putin laughed maniacally at the thought of all the destruction the self mutilation had caused Ukraine and quickly phoned President Volodymyr Zelensky to gloat at how much the Ukrainian president was probably suffering because of it.
“Ooh-ha-ha-ha, guess who just made another 4D chess move in the war for Ukraine, Mr. Zelensky?” Putin said over the phone as ominous music played in the background. “It looks as though my severed arm has brought Ukraine to her knees. I don’t know, what would your American friends call this winning strategy? Oh yes, cutting one’s nose off to spite their face.”
Putin told Zelensky that he has twenty-four hours to give up Ukraine or he will cut off one of his own legs as punishment and then one by one murder a member of his own family until Ukraine’s president begs him to stop.
“This is what we call winning, Mr. Zelensky,” said Putin before sending a Russian missile into the center of Moscow. “I now have the American media believing that I have done all this destruction to myself in order to win this war. It looks as though I’ll be having the last laugh when this is all over, Mr. Zelensky.”
At publishing time, Putin had finally won the war in Ukraine by destroying all of Russia with nuclear bombs. The United States government promised they played no part in any Russian false flags.
