WASHINGTON– As most of the world is aware by now, Volodymyr Zelensky gave a divine speech in front of a stunned United States Congress Thursday, leaving the audience of uniparty politicians breathless and requiring medical assistance after watching Ukraine’s president perform heavenlike miracles.
During the glorious speech, Zelensky wowed the group of both Republican and Democrat politicians alike, performing unique miracles not seen since the time of Jesus Christ.
Zelensky channeled his omnipotent powers and got the supernatural show started with his first miracle by turning his famous green sweatshirt into another green sweatshirt without anyone even noticing.
“Did you see that?” Zelensky asked the shocked members of Congress as Nancy Pelosi fainted from the angelic display. “I also just parted my hair from the left to the right and then back again without any of you noticing. Slava Ukraini.”
After the astonished members of Congress stopped clapping and caught their breath, Zelensky stunned the crowd of Ukraine worshippers even further by performing mind control on the mesmerized politicians to get them to send him a few more billion dollars.
“President Zelensky is the most superhuman and all-powerful being to have ever walked the face of the earth,” said Mitch McConnell while Zelensky made Kamala Harris disappear under the podium.
Zelensky ended the speech by putting on makeup and high-heels to perform a godlike dance routine, telling the world that his supernatural powers can only work if people keep sending him money.
