SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA– Immediately after purchasing a 9.2% stake in Twitter, Elon Musk’s first order of business was to take control of CEO Parag Agrawal’s brain and make all his decisions from behind the scenes in the same way Barack Obama controls Joe Biden.
New board director Musk lured Agrawal into the Neuralink headquarters by offering him his favorite Indian dinner Chickpea Napunsak. Once the CEO was inside the building, Musk had an implantable brain-machine interface connected to Agrawal’s head where his every thought and action were now under the control of the Tesla CEO.
“I now love free speech and welcome all ideas, even ones I disagree with,” said Agrawal with wires attached to his head. “My first order of business is to reinstate President Donald Trump’s Twitter account and then after that I will be stepping down as CEO to let someone more qualified than me take control, such as one of Mr. Musk’s lab monkeys.”
As soon as Agrawal stepped down as CEO, lab monkey #652 was appointed head of Twitter and began improving the company by multitasking, using its arms, legs, tail, and mouth to get a considerable amount more work done than its human predecessor.
Due to the success of having a monkey as CEO, Musk quickly fired the entire Twitter staff of humans and replaced them all with the hairier monkey primates. Not only did work performance improve, but Musk saved millions of dollars by paying them in bananas.
