ORLANDO, FLORIDA– In response to Florida’s so-called “Don’t Say Gay” bill, Disney vowed to overturn the legislation and has already implemented its own new demands in resistance to the bill, including requiring Mickey Mouse to grope children as they enter the resort to gain access.
A spokesperson for Disney said that the company vows to resist Governor Ron DeSantis and Florida’s new anti-grooming law banning teachers from teaching young children about sex by having an adult dressed as a mouse fondle and grope the children as a way to support the gay community.
“How dare the Florida government refuse to let adults teach 2-year-olds about sex?” Said spokesperson Peter Peddophyle. “It’s a sad day in American history when 1-year-olds are not allowed to make their own decisions about transitioning to the opposite sex.”
Disney’s diversity and inclusion department said they’re only hiring the most qualified kiddie touchers and sex offenders to be their new Mickey Mouse characters in all their parks, saying their ideal candidates should be a cross between Jeffrey Epstein, Harvey Weinstein, Roman Polanski, and the great Bill Cosby.
“From here on out, if kids want to enter our parks then they’ll have to get used to Mickey Mouse’s tender-loving pat-downs and lengthy frisking,” said the spokesperson. “We’ll never improve as a society if we don’t continually push boundaries and make progressive advances.”
The spokesperson said Disney also has plans to indoctrinate fetuses in the womb by forcing pregnant mothers-to-be to undergo intrusive gynecological exams by Donald Duck as he whispers sexual innuendos toward the woman’s belly.
