WASHINGTON– In an emotional speech Thursday, President Joe Biden informed the millions of young children in the United States that Russian President Vladimir Putin has killed the beloved Easter Bunny and so there will be no Easter holiday this year.
With a few cinematic tears for the cameras, Biden cleared his hoarse throat a few times before making the grim announcement that the Easter Bunny was found murdered in a dark alleyway by Russian operatives working inside the United States.
“It’s with great regret that I must tell all you little kids out there that the Easter Bunny is dead,” said Biden as he held back laughter. “Our intelligence sources confirmed the Easter Bunny’s death yesterday was carried out by Russian assets disguised as our own CIA agents.”
Biden went on to say that Putin killed the Easter Bunny as a way to get back at America for supporting Washington’s favorite country Ukraine.
Ukraine’s President Volodymyr Zelensky gave another cinematic speech in front of Congress begging President Biden to start World War 3 as a way to avenge the death of the beloved fairytale rabbit.
“Please, President Biden and Congress,” said Zelensky through Google Translate, “you now see the seriousness of Putin’s wrath by killing your most cherished children’s character. I urge America to go to war with Russia. Do it for the poor, grieving American children.”
While Biden consoled a few young, crying girls by sniffing their hair, he added, “Don’t worry, girls, Uncle Joe will keep you pretty girls safe. The Easter Bunny may have been brutally slaughtered, but if you come over my house for Easter I’ll let you search for treats I hid inside my bedroom.”
