WASHINGTON– In a unanimous bipartisan move, members of Congress passed a bill that made it mandatory for all schools across the United States to hang images of Ukraine President Zelensky for students to pledge their allegiance to.
After Wednesday’s emotional Ukraine address to Congress, US politicians gave their undying love and support for Zelensky and said every American child should also be required to pledge their devotion to the Ukrainian president and be willing to even sacrifice their life for Ukraine.
“President Zelensky gave the most riveting speech in world history,” said Nancy Pelosi in tears while still clapping from this morning’s virtual speech. “We as Americans need to do even more for Ukraine, which is why Congress has just passed the Worship President Zelensky bill that makes it mandatory for all students to grow up idolizing the greatest man who ever lived. Amen and awomen.”
Once members of Congress finished giving Zelensky a nine hour standing ovation, they immediately got to work drafting up bills to send Ukraine another $900 gazillion in aid and also will be sacrificing the firstborn children of all Americans to an effigy of the insanely popular Ukraine president.
“Every American should be down on their knees praying to Zelensky,” said Republican Senator Lindsey Graham. “I’m so enamored with President Zelensky that I made Pelosi wear a mask of his face while she pounded me from behind.”
President Biden chimed in on the greatness of Zelensky after sending Ukraine an extra $6 trillion, saying, “This Ukraine president has even more passion and courage than my son Hunter while he’s having sex with Chinese whores and smoking crack.”
Members of Congress assured worried Americans that the US government will only be deducting a measly 75 percent of their paychecks to donate to Ukraine, with the other 25 percent going to the bank accounts of politicians.
