BOULDER, COLORADO– Brave FBI agents arrested a Boulder woman this morning after receiving a tip from a neighbor that the woman was preparing to put an apple into her daughter’s brown lunch bag, which blatantly goes against the government’s no healthy fruit mandate for children.
Several agents swarmed the menacing terrorist’s home around 7am and were forced to break down the door to the house after the mother refused to let them in within five seconds of them identifying themselves as the FBI.
“Another dangerous domestic terrorist was taken off the streets this morning,” the FBI wrote in a tweet on Twitter once the radical insurrectionist had been taken into custody. “Thank you to all our brave agents who risked their lives by escorting the unsafe apple from the terrorist’s home.”
FBI agents were forced to kick, mace, and stun the extremist 32 year old mother of two while three heroic burly male officers punched the child in the face a few times for having such an evil, racist, fanatical parent.
The anonymous neighbor who phoned in the tip to the FBI claims he was simply doing the right thing because the government knows what’s best for its citizens and that more authoritarian governmental control is needed to stop any future parents from thinking they have control over their own children.
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