BEIJING, CHINA– Chinese politician and leader of the world’s greatest country Xi Jinping has been named People’s Republic of China magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive for the seventh year in a row.
The 70-year old elder Chairman of the Central Military Commission, who solidified China’s place as the universe’s greatest planet, beat out some stiff competition, which included every other inferior male across the entire world.
The People’s Republic of China is a Chinese publication created by Jinping’s younger self in 1974 and has been called the world’s greatest magazine by unbiased, truthful Chinese news media outlets that are under constant surveillance for their own protection and not to coerce them.
In an effort to curb international fake news, China has erased off the internet all traces of the faux American People magazine, which they claim is merely an imaginary publication meant to make their own magazine look fake.
Jinping won the Sexiest Man Alive title by receiving 100 percent of the 1.4 billion votes cast by unfettered Chinese people.
China’s president used his win to urge all Americans to make sure that they vote for him in the upcoming 2024 United States presidential election.
The magazine’s pick was announced on China’s CCTV News where willing, uncoerced news anchors broke the wonderful news to the rest of the world. Reporters promise that they were not forced at gunpoint to say that.
CCTV News also reminded all the world’s citizens to remember to get out and vote for Xi Jinping in their respective country’s next elections or China will be forced to ban and censor everything that exists for the betterment of global relations.
Jinping told People’s Republic of China magazine that he was shocked when he heard that he had won the illustrious title.
“Like OMG, I couldn’t believe it,” Jinping said without moving his face. “After the big surprise wore off, I looked at myself in the mirror and was like, ‘Yeah, I am kind of sexy.’ I can see why so many of my liberated and totally free citizens think I’m beautiful.”
Every year the magazine also holds an Ugliest Man Alive, with this year’s winner going to cartoon bear Winnie the Pooh.
Elder Jinping is the third person to take the Sexiest Man Alive crown since its inception. The previous winner was middle-aged Jinping and the first person to ever hold the title was young Jinping.
