HOLLYWOOD–It’s the end of the year, which means it’s time to celebrate the greatest movies of 2017. For the past year, moviegoers have been given the luxury of some of the best movies that the film industry has to offer.
The best of the best were chosen based on ticket sales, cinematic quality, story-line, and which producers bribed us with the most money. So without further ado, these are our picks for the best films of 2017.
4. Candy In My Shoes
The latest Shoe Horn Film titled Candy In My Shoes is a story about a factory worker in repressive China who spends every minute of his life working inside a squalid clothes hanger plant.
Chow Yao, played by American Bootsie Callihan, is the film’s imprisoned character who only gets one meal break a week and has to constantly fend off his nine raucous bosses who constantly whip him and give his one weekly meal to the rats living inside of his trousers.
The film has numerous flashbacks that show Chow as a child stealing candy from local shops and then hiding the treats inside his shoes. While inside the factory, Chow hides pieces of food in his shoes that he eats later after the bosses and trouser rats go to sleep for the night. This film won five Golden Robe awards and Callihan won for the best actor award for factory worker with rats in his pants. Rated: G
3. Chair Wars
Chair Wars was the number one action blockbuster this summer. The movie starts out with lead actors Sofa Hartson and Dan Couchman fighting plastic chair cover terrorists in the Middle East. After their unit gets taken prisoner by a rogue plastic cover terrorist group, Hartson and Couchman are tortured relentlessly by having their legs broken and fabric split.
During the film, the two stars make friends with a pillow who’s working undercover for the C.I.A., Chair Intelligence Agency. The pillow frees the two military chairs and forms a resistance group with some of the locals. This film went on to gross over $500 trillion dollars worldwide. This film contains more action, explosions, and deaths than every 2017 movie combined. Rated: R
2. Elf High
Welcome to Elf High, a high school where it’s every elf for herself. This movie has it all, eclectic elves, magical moments, mischievous shenanigans, and one awesome party at the end where a certain female elf learns a very important life lesson.
The film’s five main characters are all bestys who go to the same high school and sit at the same lunch table where they deal with all the typical problems that young elf girls deal with, such as cute elf boys, clothes, and using their magical powers to either help others or destroy their lives.
In one heart-wrenching scene we see Sweet Elf get dumped by her longtime boyfriend of two days and then run off crying after the whole cafeteria laughs at her. That’s when Sweet Elf’s closest friend Bad Elf follows the ex boyfriend into the boy’s locker room and castrates him using a magical knife with a sharp ten inch blade. This film may have been targeted to a younger audience, but even adults were spellbound by the elves at Elf High. Rated: PG
1. Seagull And Crow: A Love Story Revisted
Winning almost every major award this year was Whinebird Entertainment’s love story Seagull And Crow: A Love Story Revisited. This film is a sequel to the 2010 film Seagull And Crow: A Love Story, also starring actor and actress Crow and Seagull.
This film will go down in history as one of the greatest love stories of all time. Not since When Cardinal Met Blue Jay has there been a film that has captured the raw essence of the true love between two birds. In the first Seagull And Crow film we saw the two lovebirds overcome major obstacles to be together, such as fighting over scraps of food, defecating on each other’s territory, and Crow’s bad habit of stealing Seagull’s eggs for food.
Growing up in a shadier part of the woods, Crow believed that he was destined for a life of solitude, that is until he met Seagull. At the end of the first film we saw Seagull and Crow getting separated after an annoyed human threw an Alka Seltzer at Seagull to eat. Believing Seagull to be dead, Crow flies the woods night and day in mourning. A Love Story Revisited shows Seagull alive and well with the whole Alka Seltzer incident just a case of mistaken identity. Therefore, it’s our pick for the best film of 2017. Rated: PG
