SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA– Australia’s leading kickboxer Lawson “The Marsupial” Fredrikson has won the world kickboxing title in a quick match against Kuro “The Mouse” Akiyama from Japan, making him the very first part-man, part-kangaroo champion.
The Aussie fighter easily outfought his much weaker opponent, using his deadly kangaroo legs to repeatedly kick the former champion into submission.
After the fight, the loser Akiyama was taken to a local hospital where he was pronounced dead on arrival due to excessive blunt force trauma to the head, neck, and torso. The Marsupial celebrated his win by having several kangaroos taken up to his penthouse suite for an after-party.
“I still can’t believe how easily I won the match,” The Marsupial told reporters from his suite as kangaroos thrashed around the disheveled room. “I knew it was all over when I hit Akiyama in the face with my foot and heard his neck crack.”
The Marsupial got his nickname when he was a child from hiding objects inside of his jacket just like a kangaroo pouch. Surprisingly, The Marsupial has one of the strongest kicks in all of sports. In fact, several other organizations have shown interest in his skills.
“I’ve had several offers to join many American football teams,” he added, taking photos with his kickboxing trophy. “But unless it involves my feet making actual physical contact with another man’s face, I’m not really interested.”
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