Edward Snowden Voted Most Likely To Keep A Secret In High School

BALTIMORE, MARYLAND– Former United States government contractor and infamous whistle-blower Edward Snowden was voted most likely to keep a secret, according to former classmates at the school where he took his GED classes.

At a 23 year reunion that was held last Friday for the students who attended the GED classes and passed the test, the school’s most well-known classmate Edward Snowden was mysteriously absent.

“I never woulda saw it coming,” said 39 year old Brenda Ferrari, one of Snowden’s classmates in the GED course. “Eddie was always so quiet, just sitting at his desk with that blank look on his face like he was deciding on whether he was gonna take a crap or hold it in a little longer.”

Out of the long list of students attending the GED course, Snowden was the only one who didn’t say one word to anyone the entire time.

“I tried saying ‘hi’ to him everyday,” 41 year old John Shaffer admitted as he whittled some wood that he took out of his pants pocket. “Eduardo never acknowledged that I was standing there in front of him. It’s almost as if I wasn’t even there. Or maybe he wasn’t there and I’m just imagining that he was there because Eduardo’s so famous now.”

Receiving a “most likely award” is a great honor to most high school students, but students say Snowden hated the thought of being labeled as a guy who likes to keep secrets.

“Oh yeah, Mr. Ed loathed that title,” laughed Mr. Martin Peckerson, Snowden’s teacher at the time who came up with the idea of labeling Snowden secretive. “I still remember Mr. Ed begging me not to tell everyone to vote for him as the person most likely to keep a secret. Mr. Ed even told me that some day keeping all America’s secrets might be his responsibility and that him having lived with that cruel title might cause him to rebel and tell the world everything. At the time I didn’t believe him.”

Calls to Edward Snowden went unanswered, but in a statement that he posted on his Facebook page the day after the GED reunion, Snowden said Mr. Peckerson’s refusal to put a stop to the labeling is what caused him to do what he did.

“Maybe now the world will see,” Snowden posted to Facebook, “that labeling is just another form of labeling.”