BENTONVILLE, ARKANSAS– In light of Walmart recently performing as the best stock in the Dow Jones Industrial Average in 2020 and also coming off of its greatest revenue in history by making a staggering $900 trillion dollars in 2019, Walmart representatives stated those numbers were mediocre at best and needed to find other ways to cut costs and increase their bottom line.
According to a Walmart headquarter’s statement that was sent out to its 11,766 store locations around the world, Walmart will be terminating its 2.2 million people that are employed under its banner around the world and replacing them with mannequins.
“We tried not to do this,” said suited Walmart spokesman Irvin Sheister in a CBS Business News interview. “But unfortunately we couldn’t crunch the numbers. Our company is drowning in too much money and we were forced to find some way out of this unfortunate predicament.
“Our team of high-paid accountants, lawyers, and bankers looked into every avenue possible and the most sensible thing to do was to replace the 2.2 million useless workers at all of our world stores and replace them with more productive mannequins.”
With the economy the way it is, losing a part-time career job with limited hours at Walmart is going to be tough.
“They don’t care ’bout me,” two month long part-time employee Laquisha Jackson said irately, speaking to a local Bentonville Fox News reporter. “What am I gonna do now, huh? I been workin’ this job for two long months as a cashier and I got credit card bills to pay. How they expect me to survive without this job, huh? What them damn mannequins got that we ain’t got, huh? They lookin’ all stiff.”
Mr. Sheister wants the 2.2 million former Walmart regular, pharmacy, and grocery store employees to know that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
“Even though everyone may be losing their lucrative careers at Walmart, think about the reward you’ll get knowing that 2.2 million mannequins will receive a job and these mannequins will be doing a much better job than their former human employees did. Not to mention the fact that the Walmart corporation will make billions by not having to pay these mannequins who, did I mention, are much more productive their their former counterparts?”
Update: After this article was posted, Walmart headquarters sent out another company-wide memo, this time it was sent to the 2.2 million mannequins stating that they are all going to be replaced by more lightweight, highly automated, energy-efficient cardboard cutouts.
Visitor Rating: 5 Stars
Visitor Rating: 5 Stars
At least the customer service will be better .