Newsom Unveils Bold El Niño Preparedness Plan By Blaming Someone Else After It Happens
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA — California Governor Gavin Newsom unveiled the state's comprehensive preparedness plan for the potentially historic El Niño season Tuesday, assuring residents that the state is taking every possible…
Fox News Fills Trump Blackout By Spending Six Hours Discussing Its Trump Blackout
NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Fox News was reportedly scrambling Monday to fill the sudden void left by its decision to stop participating in pooled coverage of President Donald Trump,…
Geometry Teacher Suspended After Students Report Seeing KKK Hood On Whiteboard
SPRINGFIELD, OHIO — A local high school geometry teacher has been suspended indefinitely after several traumatized students reported seeing what they described as a "deeply disturbing KKK hood" displayed prominently…
Gavin Newsom Denies Allegations He Has Been Using Taxpayer Money Responsibly
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA — California Gov. Gavin Newsom issued a furious denial Saturday after allegations surfaced that he may have been using taxpayer money responsibly, calling the accusation "deeply offensive" and…
Mark Carney Spins Prize Wheel To Determine Which Country Canada Will Sell Out To Next
OTTAWA, ONTARIO — Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney unveiled a new foreign-policy initiative Saturday that will allow Canada to determine which country it will sell out to next by spinning…
CNN Threatens Trump With Accurate Reporting If White House Ban Isn’t Lifted
WASHINGTON — CNN issued a stern warning to President Donald Trump Saturday, threatening to begin reporting accurate, fact-based information about his administration if the network's ban from the White House is…
EU Solves Immigration Crisis By Making Canada An Associate Member
BRUSSELS — The European Union announced Wednesday that it had solved its crippling immigration crisis by offering Canada the opportunity to become the bloc's first-ever associate member, allowing millions of…
Sydney Sweeney Stars In New UK Sports Betting Ad
LONDON, UK — In an effort to enter the British gambling market while strictly adhering to progressive cultural sensitivities, Hollywood star Sydney Sweeney has debuted a brand-new commercial for a…
Texas Longhorns Unveil New Logo To Better Reflect University’s Changing Demographics
AUSTIN, TEXAS — The University of Texas at Austin announced Monday that the Texas Longhorns will be unveiling a new team logo featuring a cow wearing a traditional Indian turban…
Satan Threatens To Send Unruly Sinners Back To Canada To Wait For Medical Treatment
HELL — Satan announced recently that he has instituted a new disciplinary policy for unruly sinners, threatening to send them back to a Canadian emergency room to wait for medical…
Republicans Promise To Protect American Workers By Replacing Them Legally
WASHINGTON — Republicans across the country unveiled a bold new plan Monday to protect American workers from being replaced by foreign labor, assuring voters that while Democrats may replace Americans…
UK Prime Minister Andy Burnham Drops ‘Ham’ From Name To Avoid Offending Muslim Voters
LONDON — Newly installed UK Prime Minister Andy Burnham announced Sunday that he will be dropping the final three letters of his surname in an effort to demonstrate greater cultural…
