EU Solves Immigration Crisis By Making Canada An Associate Member
BRUSSELS — The European Union announced Wednesday that it had solved its crippling immigration crisis by offering Canada the opportunity to become the bloc's first-ever associate member, allowing millions of…
Sydney Sweeney Stars In New UK Sports Betting Ad
LONDON, UK — In an effort to enter the British gambling market while strictly adhering to progressive cultural sensitivities, Hollywood star Sydney Sweeney has debuted a brand-new commercial for a…
Texas Longhorns Unveil New Logo To Better Reflect University’s Changing Demographics
AUSTIN, TEXAS — The University of Texas at Austin announced Monday that the Texas Longhorns will be unveiling a new team logo featuring a cow wearing a traditional Indian turban…
Satan Threatens To Send Unruly Sinners Back To Canada To Wait For Medical Treatment
HELL — Satan announced recently that he has instituted a new disciplinary policy for unruly sinners, threatening to send them back to a Canadian emergency room to wait for medical…
Republicans Promise To Protect American Workers By Replacing Them Legally
WASHINGTON — Republicans across the country unveiled a bold new plan Monday to protect American workers from being replaced by foreign labor, assuring voters that while Democrats may replace Americans…
UK Prime Minister Andy Burnham Drops ‘Ham’ From Name To Avoid Offending Muslim Voters
LONDON — Newly installed UK Prime Minister Andy Burnham announced Sunday that he will be dropping the final three letters of his surname in an effort to demonstrate greater cultural…
Trump Adds Another Sticky Note To Refrigerator Reminding Him To Send Out Promised Checks
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump reportedly added another sticky note to the White House refrigerator Friday reminding himself to send out the various checks he has promised Americans, according to…
Biden Tells Black Juror He ‘Ain’t Black’ If He Votes To Convict Lindsay Clancy
PLYMOUTH, MASSACHUSETTS — Former President Joe Biden reportedly reached out to the lone Black male juror who voted to convict Lindsay Clancy this week, warning the man that he may…
Ilhan Omar Proposes Renaming 9/11 ‘National Day Of Unspecified Things Happening To Buildings’
WASHINGTON — Rep. Ilhan Omar introduced a resolution Friday proposing that September 11 be officially renamed "National Day Of Unspecified Things Happening To Buildings," arguing that the new designation would…
Indian Man Arrested For Vandalizing Neighborhood By Cleaning It Up
NEW DELHI, INDIA—Local authorities have arrested an Indian man who allegedly vandalized his community on Thursday by going on a malicious, hours-long rampage of picking up trash, sweeping the sidewalks,…
Ron Paul Chains Himself To Treasury To Stop Trump’s $5,000 Dividend
WASHINGTON — Former Congressman Ron Paul returned from retirement Thursday to chain himself to the U.S. Treasury Department in an attempt to prevent President Donald Trump from distributing his proposed…
To Correct Historical Inequity, Mamdani Demands Half The 9/11 Memorial Be Dedicated To The Hijackers
NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Addressing escalating friction with victims’ families ahead of the upcoming Ground Zero 9/11 commemoration, Mayor Zohran Mamdani announced a sweeping municipal initiative Wednesday to overhaul…
