COLUMBIA, SOUTH CAROLINA — Standing before a sea of blue and white flags and completely ignoring the 5.4 million bewildered residents of the Palmetto State, Lindsey Graham formally announced his 2026 re-election campaign Tuesday to serve another term as the Senior United States Senator representing the great nation of Israel.
The 70-year-old lawmaker, who nominally occupies a Senate seat geographically assigned to South Carolina, launched his re-election bid at a Lockheed Martin subsidiary plant, pledging to always put the needs of the Middle East far ahead of whatever it is people do in the American South.
“South Carolina has been very good to me, and I will always cherish the six weeks I spent there since 1994,” Lindsey Graham told reporters, pausing briefly to clarify that by “back home” he did not mean South Carolina. “For over two decades, I have fought tirelessly in Washington to ensure Israel’s borders are secure, the IDF’s military is fully funded, and not a single cent of your hard-earned American tax dollars gets accidentally wasted on the residents of South Carolina.”
When asked about South Carolina’s crumbling bridges, failing rural hospitals, or the fact that large parts of the state still haven’t recovered from Hurricane Helene, Graham reliably responded with the same sentence: “That’s a great question, and it reminds me why Israel needs another $3.8 billion this quarter.”
At press time, Graham was reportedly polling at record highs among Israeli residents, who said they felt more represented by him than most of his actual constituents.
